Baking pizzas

I’m making a pizza for the first time in several months. I stopped my homemade food only diet/love of cooking when Lance left and have been missing it. Today I started back up again and am in the process of making pizza dough right now. This is going to be part of the reboot of my regular routine and letting go of some sadness that has been hanging over me the past few weeks. I’m going to start living life with gusto (and pesto!)

Pizza Dough Recipe

1 1/2 C warm water

2 tsp active dry yeast

2 tbs extra virgin olive oil

1 1/2 tsp salt

1/2 to 1 C whole-wheat flour, to taste

3 to 3 1/2 C flour

Fresh basil, finely minced, to taste

Rosemary, to taste

Oregano, to taste

Pour 1/2 C water into a mixing bowl, stir in the yeast. Let sit until foamy. Add the rest of the water, oil, salt, oregano, basil, rosemary and then beat in the whole wheat flour followed by enough white flour to form a shaggy dough. Turn onto the counter and knead until smooth.

Put dough in a well oiled bowl, turn once to coat. Cover with a towel and allow to rise until doubled in size (40-60 min.) Turn the dough onto the counter and divide into the number of pizzas desired. Shape each piece into a ball, set on lightly floured counter and cover with a towel. Let rise for another 20 to 30 min.

Take one ball of dough at a time and flatten it into a disk, pushing outward with your palm. Working from the middle, push the dough out with your fingers until it it’s about 1/4 in. thick and fairly even, thickening slightly at the edge. Dust pizza pan with cornmeal and set dough on top. Cover with towel and let rest 10 to 15 min. before adding toppings.

Preheat oven to 500 degrees Fahrenheit and cook for about 10 min, when crust is slightly browned. 

This recipe was taken from “Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone” by Deborah Madison with small additions by me.

food pizza ruminations recipe lance

Tea time

I’m sitting in the Beehive Tea Room sipping on a cup of lavender black tea and thinking about things I can’t find words for. These feelings, like painful memories, move solemnly to the sound of crying violins seeping through my headphones. How many months has it been since Lance left? It feels like forever but there’s still more to go. He’ll be home for a two week interim and then it’s back to what’s quickly becoming the new normal. I hate getting used to him being gone. I haven’t seen his face or heard his voice since the beginning of September. At least we can type out encouragement and frustration to one another, but it’s not exactly what I had expected. I guess I just wish that he were here, complaining about drinking tea.

beehive tearoom lance ruminations

Everything is fine

Sometimes when I’m feeling anxious and upset I forget about the things in my life that are extraordinary. I tend to burrow into a dark hole to focus on the bad things that have happened to me and wrap my mind in negativity.

I’ve been stressed about school.  Feelings of inadequacy have been spinning in my head, specifically in that I feel like the work I do somehow isn’t good enough. Because I have an anxiety disorder small worries that most people may think about for a day and then shrug off tend to burden me for weeks or more and eventually grow into larger issues. The stress of upcoming reporting projects has been building up, making me worry about Lance coming home. How will l juggle spending time with him, while fulfilling my required coursework? When I start thinking about that I also find myself getting depressed, worrying about Lance, feeling sad about Orwell, not knowing what’s in store for the future.

Thankfully, what keeps me from losing myself is that I always manage to be reminded just how lucky I am for everything in my life. If I were to write down the good and bad things on paper I imagine the former would use more trees.

Today’s SHIFT meeting was one of those reminders. Listening stories about friends’ families reaction to their Atheism and statistics on suicides in the Gay community made me realize that I’ve got it easy.

I am lucky to have been born in the United States, to a family who could support me, with food on the table every meal and shoes on my feet. I am lucky to have had a good education, to have had support from great teachers, to have been given every opportunity. I am lucky to have made it through my youth without being over bullied, or abused. Most people aren’t that fortunate. There are millions starving to death all over the world, many who can’t educate themselves because they have to work in sweat shops to make any money they can for their families, many without loving homes or bright futures. Beyond that I have a wonderful husband who supports me in so many ways, who understands me, who would never hurt me, who always tries his best to be there when I need him. I am lucky to have the ability to discern right from wrong, to know how to stand up for myself and others, to be able to give to those around me. I am lucky to live in a time when a woman can have a career and a family. I can have aspirations beyond cooking and cleaning. I have a loving family who accepts my differences, forgives my faults and failures and applauds my triumphs.

When I look at all I have it’s hard to be upset about my life. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems, especially when put in perspective. I have it damn good and I’m trying hard not to forget it.

ruminations life lance

Brown eyes

I had a dream the other night that Lance and I had a baby boy. He was pudgy, with big brown eyes just like mine.

In a little less than two weeks it will have been a year since we found out I was pregnant. In a little less than three it will have been a year since I miscarried.

I don’t know if dreams like this are supposed to make me excited for the future or sad for the past, but I have them a lot lately.

ruminations dreams children lance shorts